Friday, December 17, 2010

a lot

i haven't quite decided what i want this little corner of the web to be.  it's been a nice spot to stick happy anecdotes and pretty pictures, but sometimes a girl needs to write.

what i want to tell you is how conflicted i feel about this time of year.  it might be the most wonderful time, but it's also the time to put in a lot of work to keep these serotonin levels in check.   it's a time to give the perfect gifts and reach out to everyone i care about, because i NEED to. while most people plan holiday parties simply because they're fun, i do it because it's therapeutic.  i need to stay busy and have my beautiful friends around me, all of us at our happiest.  four years ago i threw your typical 'tacky sweater party' because i had to.  because if i didn't get ridiculously into the holiday, i might hate it for the rest of my life.  my friends gave me the huge gift of their huge hearts, and crammed into my little orlando apartment in too-warm sweaters, just to make me happy.

the year prior, 2005, my family threw our christmas traditions out the window when my grandfather wound up in the hospital and quite literally on his deathbed.  we traveled to snowy upstate new york together, and i spent christmas day wearing a santa hat and a brave face, resting my cheek on his chest.  it was so gut-wrenching.  he'd lost nearly half his body weight to cancer, and we knew he was going to die.  i'd never lost anyone before (which, at 24 was a blessing).  we said our goodbyes and i felt so foolish for experiencing my life's most intimate moment in a santa hat.  that afternoon i sat in the albany airport with my brother, wondering how i was supposed to love this favorite holiday now.

the four christmases since have been sort of trial-and-error: trying to create new traditions or trying to pretend christmas doesn't matter, but mostly trying to remember that all he ever wanted was for me to be happy.  this year i didn't cry when i heard the first carol in the supermarket.  i've come so far, when once upon a time i never believed it possible. i'm planning a party because my friends are family, and i learned from the best what it means to really love your family.  this weekend we celebrate!

1 comment:

  1. Grandpas are like, the hardest to lose (sorry grandmas)... Grandpa Krahn left us in February 2008, but I always feel it most at Thanksgiving.

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